Why do you torture me so?
by completely mad
Summary: Well, this is a satire. Please read with a grain of salt. It is humor. HUMOR. PARODY AND HUMOR. So don't attack me, you illiterate eleven year olds.


[A/N] Oh, what an overactive imagination and lack of hobbies can do to a person. Of course, you the reader are benefiting from my lack of a social life. This collection of stories was inspired by the terrible writers that seem to abound nowadays here on fanfiction.net. If these resemble anything that you have written in the past, I do hope that you take offense because you are a god awful writer. I make it my mission to destroy you. Please, feel free to flame me into oblivion. It will make me chuckle to see your pathetic attempts at a retort. However, if you can appreciate that the standards of fanfiction are plummeting, and have a good sense of humor, you will most likely love this fic collection. And I hope you do. This is written to be funny. Read with a grain of salt.  
  
And, now, on to the fics!  
  
Fic Number One: "The New Hermione" Insult Target: Anyone who does any of the following injustices to Hermione.  
  
**Morning Time**  
One day late in the summer, Hermione woke from a deep, peaceful sleep. She was startled to see that it was already so late in the morning that sunlight was streaming in through her lacy, pink curtains.  
Sliding a sleeping Crookshanks off her chest, Hermione stood, her pink nightgown falling to just above her knee.  
She surveyed the calendar above her bureau with mild satisfaction. Tomorrow was the day she would be leaving for Hogwarts to begin her sixth year.  
Hermione could hardly believe how quickly the summer had gone. Somehow, she had managed to completely lose contact with Harry and Ron, both of whom had oddly enough developed into completely sex-driven animals. With the lack of magical correspondence, and abandoning all pretense, Hermione had taken a part-time job as a lifeguard. Where she was a lifeguard is completely irrelevant, so we'll not mention it.  
It had to be said that the job had done her good. Miraculously, sitting in a chair for six hours a day had given her a brand new body. Seeing how she was obviously fat before, she was now lean and built. Her bushy brown hair, absorbing large amounts of moisture somehow, had become sleek and shiny, and the constant sunlight had bleached it to a blinding blonde hue.  
Now, she stood in her room, surveying herself in the mirror.  
"You know," she said thoughtfully, "I don't think brown eyes suit me very well with my new look."  
And with that, she pulled her wand out of her bedside cabinet, pointed it straight at her eyes, and said, "Blues eyius!"  
  
It was a spell she had read about in one of her Teen Witch Self-Help books. And for whatever reason, the Ministry of Magic chose to overlook this glaring disregard for the Rules for Restriction of Underage Wizardry.  
Hermione surveyed herself again in her mirror. Now her transformation was complete.  
  
**On the Platform**  
  
Hermione strolled through the barrier to Platform 9 ¾, pushing her trolley before her, Crookshanks sleeping in a wicker basket that was swaying dangerously atop her luggage.  
The Platform was filled with the normal crowd, but the reaction she was getting was far from usual. Boys were hooting at her and girls were throwing her looks that could have drowned the entire female population in green soup.  
Suddenly, two people leapt on her from behind.  
"Hermi!" Harry screamed in the packed station, hugging her hard.  
"Mione!" Ron shrieked, using one of his favorite pet names for her, and hugging her also. People were starting to stare.  
How they had managed to recognize her is a moot point.  
"Omigosh!" she cried happily, speaking at a decibal that what have put a nuclear explosion to shame, "I haven't seen you two in forever!"  
"Yeah," Harry said. "But you look hot!" he screamed, completely ignoring the issue of how they had lost touch. But then, this story IS about Hermione, so why develop the plot in any other direction?!  
"Yeah!" Ron exclaimed, his eyes glazing over for no apparent reason.  
"Thanks," she said sheepishly. "You two want to help me get my things onto the train?"  
"Sure!" they exclaimed together like the mindless helper-monkeys they truly are.  
  
**On the Train**  
  
"So really, what happened to you over the summer?" Harry asked Hermione. The train had been moving for close to two hours, and this was the first thing that had been said. Lucky we were here to hear it, eh?  
"Oh nothing," Hermione said happily, flashing them a smile that would have shamed Paris Hilton, god bless her smutty soul.  
"Damn!" Ron swore suddenly, completely out of nowhere. "I just can't figure out this new Transfiguration spell!"  
"Well, Herm can help you," Harry said happily. "She probably knows all the course books by heart, as usual."  
"Actually no," Hermione replied, twirling a lock of blonde hair between her fingers. "I don't."  
"WHAT?!" they shouted together, flabbergasted. This was so unlike her!  
"I was just busy, that's all," she replied, going slightly pink. "And if you can't accept the fact that I've changed, then I'll just see you later!"  
  
And with that, she swept from the compartment.  
Ron and Harry stared at eachother, mouths agape.  
  
Hermione strode angrily down the hall, not knowing where she was going and not really caring. Suddenly, she collided hard with someone and was thrown backward to the floor.  
Grasping her head, she looked up to see a blonde sex god standing over her. He looked down at her, clearly in awe.  
"Hermione?" he asked tentatively.  
"Omigosh!" she cried, scrambling to a standing position. "Draco?"  
They stared at eachother for a moment, then instantly collapsed into a steamy kiss. Romantic music cued up in the background.  
And from that moment on, they were married. Why? How? We do not know.  
  
**Off into Hogwarts WE GO**  
  
Hermione had attended the start of term feast with everyone else, though she hadn't exchanged a word with Harry or Ron. Now, she lay in her bed, sobbing into her pillow.  
There was a tentative knock at her door.  
"Mi?" Ginny asked, sticking her head in.  
"Leave me alone, Gin," Hermione murmured.  
"What's the matter?" Ginny asked.  
"I'm...I'm...married!" Hermione shrieked, thrusting a be-ringed hand into the air. "What am I going to tell Harry and Ron?"  
  
Now lets go back to Harry and RON!!!  
  
"I wonder what's wrong with Herm?" Harry asked thoughtfully.  
"I don't know," Ron said uncomfortably. "And her name is Mione."  
"No, it's Herm."  
"Mione."  
"Herm."  
"Mione!"  
"Herm!"  
"MIONE!"  
  
"HERM!"  
  
Suddenly, the two leapt on eachother like rabid dogs, screaming obscenities.  
The battle raged on for hours.  
  
In the meanwhile, Voldemort had shown up and laid waste to the castle. And so, with one final shout of "HERM! MIONE!", everyone died. Yay.  
  
[A/N] Sorry, I got really tired of this one so I had to end it quickly before I went off the deep end. Besides, I can't parody every aspect of bad fanfiction in one piece. Therefor, I decree that there will be lots more to come. Stay tuned. Feedback, as always, is very much appreciated. And no, I don't think Harry and Ron are really brainless helper-monkeys.  
  
Signing Off --Serpententia..-- 


End file.
